A Crack in Your Soul

“You’re Pregnant.” Those are the exact words that spilled out of Aarons mouth as I returned home from PT one day. I was working as a Battery Executive Officer and working close to 80 hours a week. I was exhausted all the time and my body was aching all the time. I brushed his absurd comment off as I prepared to get in the shower and prepare for my day. Just to prove him wrong, I took an at home pregnancy test and let it sit as I took a shower. I toweled off, exited the shower, and looked down. My exact thoughts were “Oh shit, he was right!” I walked into the living room where we made eye contact and I said “You were right!” and we gave each other the longest hug. This was a moment in time that I will never forget.

For the next few weeks, we went along only telling our closest family and friends until we were close enough out of the first trimester before making a giant announcement. Our parents were beyond elated, and we began making plans on nursery ideas and beginning a baby registry. As an avid planner, I began buying a pack of diapers to begin a stock pile every week while out grocery shopping. Aaron and I got so excited reading the progression each week on what new developments were happening with our little sea monkey. Life was so blissful and we were so excited! I had zero morning sickness and craved every bit of red Powerade that I could get my hands on. Aaron thought this was funny because I never crave sports drinks or rarely ever drink them.

We continued to prepare and do actives that we loved, camping, boating, and working out. One weekend we were at the lake camping and it happened. I started spotting. I immediately went online and read were it could be normal, but in my heart, I knew something was wrong. We went to the ER and had an ultrasound done. I was a nervous wreck waiting for the doctor. He came in and let us know that the yolk sac was still intact and that if things progressed with the bleeding that I should come back.

Fast forward about four more hours…we were home and I began cramping so badly that Aaron immediately grabbed his truck keys and rushed me back to the ER. I was taken back right away for another ultra sound. I knew something was wrong when the tech turned the screen away from my view. She didn’t say anything other than that she would have the doctor come talk to me as soon as possible. The doctor came in with the nurse and broke the news that we had indeed had a miscarriage. I felt like I had been stabbed in the chest and began to sob uncontrollably.

I remember just wanting to sleep for days, thinking how unfair God was that he had finally granted me this one gift, just to take it away. Friends offered their condolences and while their intentions were pure, if I heard “Things happen for a reason” I was going to punch someone in the throat. This event, I can say was one of the darkest, most depressing times of my life. Aaron took me on a trip to get my mind off of things which I felt helped to focus on anything other than my grief.

Overall, I could not believe how many of my friends reached out saying that they had experienced the same thing. While it did make me feel better talking to people that had gone through the same thing, it still to this day hurts my heart. Years have gone by since our loss and to this day, on the day of our loss and our due date I can’t stop to think how different our lives should have been. I recently had a Soldier who’s wife had miscarriage and while he was struggling on how to support her, I told him the best thing he could do is just be there. The one life lesson I took from my experience is never let anyone discount your feelings. Loss is loss and grief comes and goes like waves in an ocean. Never let anyone tell you when you should be healed or how long it takes your heart to mend. I say that because as a mama, even if you never laid eyes on your child, you were still a mama, even if it puts a crack in your soul.

Pictured above, is us 10 weeks pregnant at a close friend’s wedding in St. Louis, MO.

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